


counting to fifteen

by haeflower, kanbinana



Category: Produce 101 (TV), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, a lot of it, but dw it ends happily, inspired by heaven by troye!, kim wooseok the voice of reason lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 09:29:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20273707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haeflower/pseuds/haeflower, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanbinana/pseuds/kanbinana
Summary: All his life, Cha Junho knew of sinners. Those that could tempt you to bite the forbidden fruit until you fell, and fell, and fell, until it was too late, you were too far gone, past the point of no return.if i'm losing a piece of me, maybe i don't want heaven.





	counting to fifteen

**Author's Note:**

> highly recommend listening to troye sivan's 'heaven!' 
> 
> horribly unbetaed so i apologise for everything (including the terrible writing ahh)

Red. Red, like the vivacious scarlet of his toy race car.

Red, like the carmine colour of his sister's favourite sweater.

Vibrant, piercing red, akin to the uncontainable anger his mother's execrable glare withheld.

He followed her gaze, eyes alight with an innocent curiosity only children could harbour. There, two men stood, their pinkies intertwined and their gazes filled, with _something,_ something that Junho couldn't comprehend. Not yet, anyway. 

"Mother, could boys ever love each other?"

It was a simple question, really, asked by an inquisitive seven year old. However, the simple enquiry was replied to with a less than simple response.

"No. Never, Junho." Her resounding voice answered, tone sharp, mouth curled up into a frown of unadulterated disgust. "a relationship should only be between a man and woman; no other alternative is allowed. Those who go against God will suffer the consequences."

He gulped, not expecting such jarring words. But, she had to be right; after all, his mother was caring and loving. She wouldn't hate someone for no reason. 

"I understand."

With as much malice as a minute toddler could convey, Cha Junho glared at the nearby couple - truthfully, he didn't understand why, despite his mother's contempt filled explanation. Was it that wrong, really, to love?

Nevertheless, he glared at their intertwined pinkies. He glared at their buoyant grins. He glared, he frowned and he scrunched up his nose in pure disgust at the pair, mirroring the actions of the woman next to him flawlessly: a perfect replica of ignorance.

-

Questioning. Confused. 

Ten year old him, dutifully picking at his crisps as the television ricocheted softly in the background. A parade of pretty and vivacious colours attracted his attention. 

The TV was immediately turned off.

Twelve year old him, in the midst of his friend effusing about Shin Yuna, a pretty, smart girl in the next year. Junho snuck a glance at her, feeling nothing but emptiness. 

Fourteen year old him, listening to the echoing words of their Pastor. His mother nodded, holding on to every word like a lifeline. 

In a religion that stood for equality and righteousness, why is hate so painfully emphasised? 

Sixteen year old him as a hand grasped his own. Firm, familiar. 

"Jun, let's go," Jisoo - his ever loving girlfriend of a lengthy eight days - pleaded, voice somehow already exasperated. 

This is wrong. 

The touch should be comforting. Enjoyable, even. Yet, all Junho felt was the accumulating sweat, the tight grip, the way their fingers slotted together in an awkward manner. No trace of the butterflies that his friend Yohan had gushed about. 

Nothing.

"Liking someone," Wooseok, his older, (arguably) more mature cousin started, "it's an attraction; something pulls you towards them, and, you find yourself naturally gravitating towards their presence whenever they're near. It's a blur, a craving, an addiction - but at the end of it all, love is realising that you'd do anything to see that person happy."

This isn't love, Hell, it didn't even grasping the fragile edges of 'like.'

"We can't just 'go'." Junho stated. "Someone's in trouble. We can't leave them."

"Judging from the scream, it's a guy. I'm sure he can take care of himself, Jun please-"

And there it was again. A bloodcurdling cry, of fear, of _hurt._

"I'm sorry Jisoo. Please, if anything, call the police for me." He apologised sincerely, before sprinting towards the direction of the shout. 

Theoretically, he knew he had no chance; his arms were skinny and he knew fuck all about being able to fight. 

But fuck it, at least he can try. 

Inside the confined alleyway were two men. One, with unruly blond locks, cupping the chin of a tearful redhead who looked no older than himself. 

"Such a pretty face. Bloody wasted." The blond cooed, mockery lacing his tone. "Of course you'd end up being a fag. _Of fucking course._ Do you know how much my sister suffered because of you? Attending every dance recital of yours, every damn party you would attend?! She was absolutely smitten. In love with a bitch who takes it up the ass-"

Redhead sobbed, new tears streaming down his bruising cheek. 

_Boys couldn't love each other._

He should turn around and leave. The boy was facing his punishment, it was only fair. 

And yet, his heart, his stupid stupid heart wouldn't let him. It squeezed tightly in Junho's chest, as if conveying a secret message. _This will be worth it. He will be worth it._

_ __ _

"Hey!"

The two looked up, facing Junho's direction. 

Shit. He said that. 

"That's enough. Let him go." Voice surprisingly firm, he took measured steps towards the pair. 

"Who are you? The fag's boyfriend?" Blond laughed snidely. "Go play the hero somewhere else kid. This one deserves a beating."

"Let. Him. Go." Junho repeated. 

"Hey, it's alright. I'm alright. You can leave. I'll be okay." Redhead spoke up. His voice was airy and light, surprising Junho. 

"See? Even the fag agrees."

"The police have been called. They'll be here soon." Said Junho. "But tell me: does your sister want this? Would she want her brother in jail? Would she want her crush to be littered in bruises, beat up by someone so dear to her?"

"You don't know her." Blond growled. 

"You're right. I don't. Still, nothing changes. Your anger's clouding your judgement and you know it."

Without warning, the elder kicks at a nearby rubbish bin, positively seething. He casts a glare at the crying redhead, before locking eyes with Junho. 

"You got lucky, fucking faggots."

And with that, he stormed off, fists clenched at his sides. 

Junho let's out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. 

Redhead sobbed quietly, curling into himself. 

Hesitantly, slowly, Junho moved towards him. "Hey, it's okay. He's gone now, it'll all be okay."

"Thank you," He muttered in between sniffles. "Thank you thank you thank you-"

Despite everything, Junho laughed. 

_Boys couldn't love each other._

"I'm sorry you had to see that...?"

"Junho. Cha Junho."

"Junho," Redhead hummed, as if satisfied. "I'm Lee Eunsang."

A smile. Blinding and bright despite teary eyes and bruising cheeks. 

Junho's stupid, stupid heart sped up. 

Perhaps, the colour red had a new meaning to him now.

-

Eighteen year old Junho thought too much. At least, according to his best friend. 

He'd like to think he was a good son. He did his share of the chores, cooked occasionally and attended every family event with a (forced) smile. 

Family: warmth, love, home in a person. Yet, whenever he visited, all he felt was the sheer hate and tension filling the atmosphere. 

"You wouldn't believe what I saw yesterday," his grandad says. "three girls. Holding hands in public. The audacity of them, corrupting the minds of youths and spreading their- their disease! All without any semblance of guilt!"

Junho's father shook his head, also in disbelief. "We should pity them, really. They're lost souls solidifying their place in Hell."

"Dad-" Chaeyoung, his sister, intervened. 

"No Chaeyoung. Don't let them corrupt you too." His mother scolded. 

Chaeyoung bit her lip harshly in response. 

_They're not right in the head, Junho._

Junho thought. Junho thought about Eunsang: how kindhearted he was, always offering help to anyone who needed it. He thought and thought and thought about his best friend, and, well, that's where his problem started, really. 

Looking back, he wished he had spoken up. He wished he had asked why, why is it wrong to love? He wished he had defended his sister, but most of all, he wished he'd stop being a damn coward. 

Perhaps, that's why he had broken down the night after he had returned from his grandparents' home. 

What he didn't expect however, was for Eunsang to be in his room, sat on his bed as if he were waiting for Junho. 

"I-"

There was no use. A tear escaped. His breaking point was reached. 

"Junnie." Eunsang whispered. Arms wrapped around him comfortingly, warm and safe. 

This was one of the many amazing things about his best friend, he always listened patiently, never forcing anything out of Junho.

"My family," Junho started once he calmed down enough. "They began spewing hate again. I couldn't- I wouldn't-"

"Shh," Eunsang soothed. "I know, I know."

"B-but—"

"I've always known your family isn't... the kindest towards our community. And I'm not gonna lie, it angers me sometimes, their blatant ignorance. But then I remember you-"

Eunsang grasped both his hands, softly and delicately as if he were afraid of breaking Junho. 

"—How you stood up for me in that alley, despite knowing that I was gay. I remember how you try your best to look out for me, no matter how subtle you think your efforts are. And most of all," he squeezed Junho's hands, "I remember how kind, how accepting and how loving you are, Cha Junho. You went against yourself just to protect me, a stranger, a nobody. There's no one like you."

"There's no one like you too." Junho whispered. 

And, if butterflies erupted upon seeing his best friend's answering grin, that wasn't anyone's business but Junho's.

-

_ **ppeuddi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ**_  
junnie im gonna die 

_ ** cha cha real smooth ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶**_  
whose dog did you see this time?

_ **ppeuddi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ**_  
yohan hyung's! it was so cute and tiny and i- (*'ω'*)

_ **cha cha real smooth ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶**_  
haha like you? lol 

_ **ppeuddi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ**_  
omg  
you can't say things like that (ﾟoﾟ;;

_ **cha cha real smooth ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶**_  
lol why?

_ **ppeuddi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ**_  
u  
ur so infuriating 

_ **cha cha real smooth ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶**_  
??

_ **ppeuddi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ**_  
n e ways  
so i heard the sky was gonna be quite clear 2nite  
n my rooftop is always free  
was wonderin' if u wanted to come over?

_ **cha cha real smooth ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶**_  
i would love to eunsangie!

_ **ppeuddi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ**_  
oh yea, forgot you were a astrology freak ㅋㅋ

_ **cha cha real smooth ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶**_  
hey >:(

_ **ppeuddi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ**_  
is ur neptune in uranus affecting ur mood junnie? or is it the eclipse cycle blocking your seventh house that's triggering it? 

_ **cha cha real smooth ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶**_  
in the nicest way possible, piss off eunsang

"Hey! You made it!" Eunsang grinned and, well, damn that smile. 

"Well I wasn't gonna ditch you, was I?" Junho rolled his eyes, settling down on the blanket. 

"You could've," Eunsang mused, shuffling closer so that their ankles were intertwined. "I've heard that your internet was down from Chaeyoung. You could just be using me for my WiFi."

"Please, I'm not using you for you WiFi," Junho said, "i'm using you for your washing machine. Do you have any idea how expensive laundry is in uni-"

Eunsang flicked his forehead harshly, resulting in a pained whine in response. 

"I know you love me really," The redhead smiled softly. 

"Whatever." Junho says, his act of indifference more endearing than convincing. 

A heaviness punctured his heart, sinking, falling until there was no possible way of returning to what once was. 

_Boys couldn't love each other-_

Finally, finally he shuts down his unremitting thoughts, letting them go to the back of his mind, temporarily forgotten. 

"See, up there, those seven stars," Junho pointed, promptly ignoring Eunsang's whisper of 'here we go.' "That's the Corona Borealis. It kinda looks like a crown upside down, right?"

"I don't see it," Eunsang frowned, trying to mimic the direction that his best friend was pointing but to no avail. 

"Not there," Junho laughed, grasping Eunsang's hand to guide it upwards. "There."

Eunsang paused, glancing at their hands. 

"Oh. Wow. Yeah, I see it now." He said, his voice softer, contemplative. 

"Hey! At least pretend to be interested." Junho huffed, pout imminent. 

"I am interested Junnie. I always am, when it comes to you,"

A widespread blush invaded his cheeks, much to the happiness of his best friend. 

"Why does red look better on you than me?"

If Junho blushed harder at the teasing comment, only Eunsang would know. 

"What's that star? The big bright one up there!" 

"W-Where? Oh, that's Polaris, the North Star. It's the brightest star in the Little Dipper."

"Polaris, huh?" Eunsang hummed. "I think I like the name Junho a lot better."

"I— W-what-?" He stuttered. 

"It's glowing and it's beautiful. Plus, it's like you, it shines brighter than everyone else! So, I'd say Junho is a lot more fitting than boring old Polaris."

"You can't just change the name!"

"Oh really?" The redhead laughed, smile blinding. "Watch me."

The sinking feeling in his chest grew, and grew, and grew, until it was as limitless as the sky above them.

-

It happened on a normal Sunday. 

Except, 'normal' was subjective. It was an easy, even ordinary evening, where everything was the same but somehow not the same. 

The air was charged around them, electricity cracking in Junho's veins. His heartbeat quickened along with his breath, and perhaps, maybe now he understood. 

Glancing at his best friend, he felt it. A tug, a pull, like gravity only existed for the two of them in that moment. 

It was normal. It should've been normal. Eunsang welcomed him inside his apartment, all bright eyes and beaming smiles. All as usual. 

Then, they commenced their Sunday gaming sessions: today, it was a run of Undertale, in which Junho tried to persuade Eunsang from potentially creating a heinous massacre because damn, his best friend could be a sadistic monster if left alone. 

Now? Their ankles were interlocked under the covers of the younger's single bed, bodies pressed close together as comfortable silence surrounded the pair. 

_A blur. A craving. An addiction._

But this was wrong. Boys couldn't love each other, not ever. 

Could they?

"Jun?" Eunsang whispered, his tone light, vulnerable. 

"Yes?"

"Do you- do you feel that too? Please, please tell me you do."

I do. So strongly. 

"I—"

"Would you hate me? If I kissed you?"

Grasping the last of his courage, he answered: "No."

That was all it took before Junho was drowning, so utterly and irrecoverably consumed in the endless ocean that was Lee Eunsang.

It was just them: Junho and Eunsang, Eunsang and Junho, a push and pull, a constant. He feels him smile into the kiss, in turn causing Junho to run his fingers through askew, faded scarlet strands. Their pinkies clasped together like an unspoken promise, bodies pressing closer, craving warmth, intimacy. 

Fleetingly, he wonders. Maybe, just maybe, he could be selfish and chase after his own happiness. 

Maybe he did know the cause of his heavy heart all along. Maybe, he was trying to deny it, repress it, crush the damn emotion before a seed of hope could grow, grow, and grow out of control. 

_They're lost souls solidifying their place in Hell._

_ __ _

_ __ _

_No, never Junho._

_No, men couldn't love other men._

Junho's happiness was nothing more than a hopeless, ephemeral dream. 

He breaks away from Eunsang, ignoring how his body longed for the red haired boy's contact, ignoring the hurt and surprise in his eyes. Hurt _he_ had caused. Pathetic. Junho was pathetic. 

Swallowing back tears, Junho muttered an "I'm sorry, Eunsang" before slamming the door shut behind him. 

-

Junho knew he had fucked up. Royally.

Three knocks. He was here again, after all this time.

"Hello-? Oh! Jun-! _—oh._ Crap. Come in, come on in." Said Wooseok, shooing his younger cousin in. 

He refused to let Junho take off his shoes despite his profuse insistence, instead disappearing to the kitchen to make Junho a green tea. His favourite - Wooseok had remembered. 

Guilt pricked at Junho's chest, knowing full well the reason for his infrequent visits. 

There were rumours. Rumours that Wooseok, Kim Wooseok, the pride and joy of his aunt and uncle was dating a man, someone he had met and fell in love with during his medicine program. This someone was later confirmed to be 'Lee Jinhyuk' a nobody, an outsider, _a corrupter._

Wooseok was shunned immediately. And yet, he remained strong, graduating top of his year and securing a job at an established hospital near his flat. 

Wooseok placed a hideously pink mug in front of him, distracting Junho from his spiralling thoughts. Humming, he chose the seat next to his cousin, plopping down in a satisfying 'bang.'

Momentarily, Junho caught a gleam of silver on his finger. 

"So," the elder began, "as much as I'd love to catch up, I know that that's not why you're here."

"Um, no," Junho sighed. "I—"

"Fucked up? Lost your girlfriend for good? Feel like shit because you made her feel like shit?" Wooseok interrupted. 

Junho blinked, surprised at his accuracy. "No,"

Wooseok squinted. He wasn't sure if it was meant as an act to showcase his disbelief, or whether his older cousin was just blind. 

"I think I'm right."

"No. You're not," Junho exhaled a shaky breath, "I lost my boy friend. Emphasis on the space."

Wooseok sipped on Junho's tea, contemplative. "Elaborate. Did you cheat?"

No judgement. No questions towards pronouns.

"W-what?! Hyung I would never-!"

"Oh," Wooseok suddenly put his mug down, eyes widened. "family got to you, didn't they?"

It was scary, really, how much he knew. 

Junho nodded, almost sadly. 

Arms wrapped around his shaking form, "I'm going to tell you something important, okay? Something I wish someone had told me when I was in your position."

"Cha Junho, you shouldn't be afraid. I need you to understand that everything they've said, everything they've conditioned you to believe is nothing more than words of ignorance dripping with malice and animosity. If you love someone, why shouldn't you pursue them? Why should their gender matter? There's nothing wrong with loving another guy, there's nothing wrong with loving another girl, nothing wrong with loving more than one person and there's certainly nothing wrong with chasing after your own happiness. There's nothing wrong with you, Junho. Nothing at all."

And maybe, that's all he needed. A voice of reason, telling him that it was alright to love and be loved. A person to tell him that loving a girl was no different from loving a boy. It was okay. He was okay. There was nothing wrong with him, nothing wrong with Eunsang. 

Finally, acceptance.

-

It was nearing midnight, and he had found Eunsang there, alone, staring up at the stars with an indecipherable look on his face. 

Junho swallowed. He felt like he was looking at a stranger. 

"Lee Eunsang,"

The aforementioned barely flinched, gaze still fixed on the sky. 

"Lee Eunsang!"

Junho didn't know what possessed him, really. Maybe a ghost, maybe adrenaline. Nevertheless, he cupped the redhead's face in his hands, his heart squeezing, undoubtedly hurting as he noticed new tears rolling down Eunsang's cheeks. 

Junho breathed in. It was now, or never. 

"I know I don't deserve to say this," he began. "but fuck it all, I like you. Maybe even love you. I always have, I was just too dumb, too stupid to accept it."

"And I know, full well, that I don't have the right to. I know I don't deserve your smiles, I know that I'm an asshole who pushed you away, fuck," Junho wiped a tear from Eunsang's cheek gently, "I even made you cry. B-But it's not your fault, Eunsang. You never did anything wrong, so please don't blame yourself for anything. If you want me to leave, I will. I just—" Junho paused. "You deserve everything and more. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Love is realising that you'd do anything to see the other person happy. Their hurt is your hurt. There was no more running away from this anymore, from _them._

Hands grasped his own. 

"I like you too, Cha Junho. So please, don't you dare think about leaving me," Eunsang spoke, voice thick with emotion. "Sure, you're annoying, you're stupid and sometimes you make really dumb, questionable decisions—"

"Hey—"

"But I know you. I know how sincere your apologies are. So it's okay, we're okay. Just please, don't break my heart again, yeah?"

"Never." Junho's tone was final.

Eunsang grinned, pecking his cheek lightly. 

"I'm not– I'm not ready yet. For a relationship, I mean. But I'll try, just because it's you and I like you a little too much," Junho admitted with blushing cheeks. 

A laugh, a shy smile, then a nod. Sometimes, that's all it takes. 

"I'll wait until the end of time for you, Junnie. Always."

**Author's Note:**

> twt: [kanbinana](https://twitter.com/kanbinana)
> 
> thank you for making it this far! >< this is my first work on ao3, so feedback is v appreciated!


End file.
